Tired of the same old, same old dogs, cats and parakeets being offered for adoption by your local animal shelter? Well, dinosaurs also make wonderful pets, provided you treat them right and know what you're getting into. Here are the top 10 reasons in favor of keeping a pet dinosaur. (Not convinced? See 10 Reasons Dinosaurs Make Bad Pets.)
A Pet Dinosaur Will Keep Your Home Safe…
There's nothing like a "Beware the T. Rex" sign out in your front yard to deter potential thieves, especially if they can glimpse your ravenous pet frosting up your bay window with its breath. Even better, you can simply underfeed your Deinonychus and tie him to a stake by your mailbox. Not only will this scare away miscreants, but you'll never receive another bill again.
… and You'll Never Have to Deal with Pesky Salesmen
If you live out in the 'burbs, you've probably seen your share of Electrolux hucksters--you know, those snappy-suited guys who barge into your home, spill a pile of dirt on your Persian carpet, and plug in their favorite appliance. You know how dogs go nuts when they see a vacuum cleaner? Well, imagine how your short-tempered Spinosaurus is likely to react.
Purebred Dinosaurs Are Worth a Lot of Money
True, you'll have to shell out a pretty penny to buy a registered, credentialed Stegosaurus from your local dinosaur breeder. But if you manage to breed "Butch" with an equally impeccable female, every egg in the resulting clutch will potentially be worth thousands of dollars (assuming, of course, that your windfall isn't gobbled up by the hungry Oviraptor next door).
A Pet Dinosaur Will Keep You Warm at Night
What's better than a pillow stuffed with feathers? Why, a dinosaur covered with feathers, the thicker and fluffier, the better. The trouble is, most feathered dinosaurs tend to be petite in size, so you'll have to accumulate anywhere from eight to 10 Khaans to keep extra-cozy. Just pretend that you're a crazy cat lady, and keep plenty of litter nearby.
You'll Earn Back Your Investment with Movie and TV Spots
Hollywood casting agents are always on the lookout for the next Barney or Dino. If your pet dinosaur is cute, even-tempered and only slightly smarter than a lamppost, don't be surprised if you land a multi-episode sitcom deal. Just be sure to stay away from vehicles involving Tom Green, Pauly Shore or any ex-cast-members from Seinfeld.
You Can Train Your Pet Dinosaur to Perform Various Tasks
Okay, let's be realistic: there's no way you're going to teach your pet Apatosaurus to answer the phone or do your laundry. However, with intensive effort, you may be able to train your dinosaur to impersonate a piece of furniture, a la The Flintstones. (We're not talking complicated furniture, like a reclining chair; think more along the lines of a giant beanbag.)
You'll Have Tons and Tons of Fertilizer
Some time around late middle age, most people are inclined to take up gardening--either in their backyards, on their windowsills or in high-tech hydroponic nurseries. Well, just imagine the beets, cucumbers, and tomatoes you can grow once you fertilize your garden with fresh Triceratops droppings. You'll have so much poop, you can even sell it to (or throw it at) the neighbors!
A Pet Dinosaur Will Make You Look More Manly…
Are you a gentle, tweed-wearing ectomorph who frequents smoke-free coffee houses and only drinks fair-trade coffee? Well, when you're out on the town with your pet Allosaurus, women will look at you like you're the reincarnation of Patrick Swayze. (In order to maintain this illusion, though, you should try not to let your pet dinosaur eat you or drag you along on its leash.)
… While a Smaller Breed Will Accent Your Feminine Wiles
Even the frumpiest Kardashian turns positively glamorous when she's toting a poodle in her backpack--so just imagine the pose you'll strike with a Compsognathus stuffed in your Dooney & Bourke handbag, or an Archaeopteryx perched on your shoulder. Just try to avoid wee ectomorphic PhDs being dragged by their leashed Allosauruses, lest the feathers fly.
You Can Keep Your Pet Dinosaur Safely Outside
One hundred million years of evolution have made dinosaurs remarkably self-sufficient, to the extent that you can keep your pet Iguanodon in the backyard almost indefinitely, provided you feed it every now and then. Don't have a backyard? Just knock on your neighbor's door and introduce him to your pet Utahraptor; nature will take care of the rest.